When you meet someone exceptional and really start to hit it off, you’ll find yourself pulling out all the stops: your funniest jokes, top-notch restaurant recommendations, best hair days, and most riveting travel stories. Of course they’re falling in love with you, how could they not? And you’re just as crazy about them. Things are going great!
But what if your special someone is a single parent? And now, you have to do the whole courtship over again, but this time with their kid.
When dating someone with kids, making a great connection with the person themselves is step one. But parent and kid are a package deal. Being cognizant and respectful of their child’s role in their lives, and ultimately in your relationship, is super important. You’ve already made a great impression on your new boo, so how do you make lightning strike twice and establish a fun relationship with their kid, too?
For starters, make sure both sides have been open and honest about how they feel about kids.
If you have kids of your own, you’re probably cool with (and maybe even hoping for) someone else having children from a past relationship, as you can create a strong bond based on the shared experience.
If you don’t have kids, but would like to someday, make sure that the other person is aware of your wishes.
And if you’re a little iffy on the idea of kids at all, perhaps it’s best to move on to someone else--their children are always going to be their first priority, and it’s not fair to try to change that.
Once the relationship has started to pick up speed, the inevitable conversation about when to introduce you to the children will come up. The timing of this varies from couple to couple. For some, meeting the kids after a month of dating makes the most sense; for others, it could take up to a year. There’s no right or wrong timetable.
After a suitable "Meet The Kid(s)" date has been chosen, remember that although your significant other is enamored with you, their children might not be as quick to fall in love. That’s okay! Here are a few key things to remember to ensure that you’re aware of the kid's boundaries while still putting your best foot forward:
Don’t bribe them. Bringing a small gift or toy is a cute gesture, but doing so with the intention of buying their affection isn’t a good idea.
Get on their level. When speaking to a child, bend or kneel down so you’re at eye level. They’re already experiencing some uncertainty surrounding this new person in their dad or mom’s life; they don’t need you towering over them in the process. Avoid taking a patronizing tone and instead speak to them the way you would any other new (adult) acquaintance. You’ll automatically gain points for treating them respectfully and genuinely.
Mention their interests. The person you’re seeing has likely already let you in on the fact that their son or daughter likes biology, or football, or Pete the Cat books. Demonstrating your interest in their interests will allow them to open up to you a bit more, and give you something to reconnect on little by little each time you spend time with them.
Include them in your dates. While you certainly shouldn’t plan every date around your partner’s child, planning a kid-friendly group activity every once in a while shows that you’re acknowledging their importance and gives everyone a sneak peek into what life could be like down the line. Things like a picnic, visiting a fair or festival, going for a bike ride, or doing a craft together will keep them entertained while giving you an opportunity to spend quality time with their mom or dad, too.
Assure them. Speaking positively about the child’s mother or father to their kid will subconsciously let them know that you two make each other happy, and will give the child something to feel confident in. In the event they’ve been introduced to a revolving door of their parent’s “special friends” in the past, you can communicate that you’re in it for the long term.
Don’t force it. At the end of the day, your partner’s kid doesn’t have to like you, and trying to make them will have the opposite effect. But if you can be their buddy who watches Doc McStuffins and makes them confident in the fact that you’re a bonus in their parent’s life, not a replacement for someone else, you’ll be on the right track.
And if your special someone is really an exceptional partner, you will work together as a team to create an inclusive space for everyone so that you are connected whether it’s shooting hoops with the kids or having an intimate dinner date alone!
Whether you are learning to date someone with kids, or if you have kids and are diving back into dating, working with a Matchmaker means that you can meet new people without sacrificing precious time! As a Matchmaker, I have worked with and matched many single parents. I love helping Three Day Rule members navigate these tricky conversations before they even come up. I can provide guidance and confidence, and - big bonus - if a Premium Member has children, they can tell me right from the start. That way I can work with them to meet another single parent with that special empathetic connection.
