We all have those terrible first date stories. Sometimes, we hesitate to tell them because they’re just that bad.  Other times, we aren’t eager to share them because we’re afraid we’re the only ones that have had horrible first date experiences.  Well, let me reassure you that we’ve all been there and you’re not alone.  I have one friend that I think enjoys bad first dates because they make for such great stories.  As a professional matchmaker for Three Day Rule, it’s my job to help my clients avoid all types of dating mishaps. But, I have to admit that I do get entertained hearing about the crazy things that people do on first dates.

Some of these real-life examples are so absurd that you won’t believe someone would actually say these things…out loud…to another human…ever.  (Side note: if none of these seem absurd to you, then you need to do some re-evaluating of your dating habits because you might just be the main source of these bad first date stories.)  No one wants to end up on Gawker as the butt of a friend group’s listserv jokes recapping their weekend dating shenanigans.  On the flip side, some of these are only mildly ridiculous and they should act as a good reminder to us all that we need to always be on our A-game while dating.

So, take my advice and stop sucking at first dates.  Here are the 27 worst things to say on a first date:

(1) My ex reached out recently to ask me for my sperm so she could use it to impregnate herself.  She said I had really good genes and we’d make cute babies.”

(2) I don’t know much about sports, but I probably know more than you because you know… you’re a girl.”

(3) I've been online dating for over ten years!  I'm exhausted!"

(4) I’m so glad you asked me out.  No one has asked me out on a date in six months.  I was starting to wonder if I wasn’t showering enough.”

(5) Girl: "I know we just said we were going to meet for drinks, but can I order some food?"

Guy: “Sure…” he says hesitantly, hoping she’ll get the hint.

Girl: “Great, I’ll have the rack of lamb, a side of truffle fries, and the chocolate chip cookies.”

(6) I got a wax today because my roommate told me you never know what could happen on a first date.”

(7) I know this date is going really well but we can’t hook up.  I wore my biggest pair of granny panties to prevent myself from sleeping with you too soon.”

(8) We could go back to my place.  My parents are sound sleepers so we won’t have to worry about that.”

(9) I’d offer you a ride home, but I got a DUI last month and I don’t have a passenger helmet for my scooter yet.”

(10) I just want to put it out there… I froze my eggs.”  (This was in the first ten minutes of the date)

(11) I had a few warts removed last week, so they’re still clearing up.”  (Awkward pause).  “Oh, don’t worry, they’re on my knees.”

(12) My family is ridiculous and not in a good way.  I moved across the country to get away from them.  If we end up together you should be thankful you'll only have to put up with them a few times a year during holidays."

(13) Guy excuses himself to go to the restroom and comes back to the table.  “Phew, you know when you have one of those really good relieving pees when you’ve been holding it in for so long?  It felt amazing.”

(14) Any story that starts with, “I woke up so hungover today…”

(15) You are so much hotter in person than you are in your profile picture.  You should probably post better pictures so more people will go out with you.”

(16) You’re my third first date this week and definitely the best so far, so great job!”

(17) Tell me something crazy about yourself.  Like what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done while hooking up with a guy for the first time?”

(18) I’m still getting over my ex, but my friends thought it was healthy to go out with you.”

(19) What’s your number?” (He wasn’t asking for her phone number; he was asking the number of guys she has slept with.)

(20) Any story that starts with “My ex and I…”

(21) I know I’m a doctor so it’ll be fine one day, but I’m just in so much debt right now that it’s hard to keep reminding myself that.  I feel like I live like a pauper thanks to medical school loans.”

(22) If you like Grey’s Anatomy then you’ll love my foot bunion story.  Does blood make you squeamish?”

(23) Any story that starts with, includes, or ends with the phrase “blow job.”

(24) $18 for a cocktail!  That’s absurd.  Who would pay these prices?  Are you okay with us going somewhere else?  I feel like I’m being taken advantage of at places like that because people think they can charge that much since they’re trendy.  I don’t buy into all that.”

(25) Oh wow, you’re a Gemini!  That means we’ll really get along because all of my exes were Gemini!”

(26) Just so you know, I’m bringing my dog on our date so you should pick somewhere that has outdoor seating.  She goes everywhere with me.”

(27) My ex-girlfriend was the worst; she never wanted to have sex and was not a sexual person at all.  I only tell you that because now I ask all my first dates if they’re sexual because I didn’t ask her up front and I’m not being fooled again.”